she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
