Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
