U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
