just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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