Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
