I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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