Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
