Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
