I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
They have beer where we have blood.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
