I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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