The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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