i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
