so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My vagina just recognized that song.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
