No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
