Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
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