Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
