as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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