My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Randomize
