There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
