i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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