dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
