two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
