i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
