Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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