I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
