The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
