i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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