You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I want her autograph on my taint
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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