I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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