You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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