She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Randomize
