In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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