Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he shaved USA in his pubs
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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