i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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