I skipped work to stalk him.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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