1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
