I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
