Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
