Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Mom said you looked used
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
