You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
