Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
