I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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