Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
