So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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