I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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