My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
