they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
