so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
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