She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
