I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
